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Mouse in the House: December

By Mouse

Dear Mouse,

CHRISTMAS is here and people are driving me nuts. How dare they say, “Happy Holidays,” and take the CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS!! I am so worked up over this, my doctor says my blood pressure is up. Just what I need, another health problem during this supposedly ‘happy’ season! Every time some person wishes me a ‘Happy Holidays,’ I just want to smack them and tell them the REAL reason for CHRISTMAS and that reason is CHRIST! What should I do about these idiots?


A Christmas Angel


Dear Christmas Angel,

            Firstly, I know exactly what you mean, people are so rude to assume anyone celebrates anything but Christmas! There are no other holidays that matter this time of year – not Hanukkah and not Kwanza and not Winter Solstice and not even birthdays. The millions of people around the globe who celebrate those holidays are wrong and only Christians are right. You are so angelic to not smack those people – I know Christ would feel the same way. If someone wished Christ good tidings, he’d likely backhand them and tell them to say, “Merry Christmas!” Thank you for your letter and be sure to keep Christ in Christmas, because everyone, absolutely everyone, is Christian.


Dear Mouse,

            My son is driving me bonkers! He is five years old and farts all the time. I mean, ALL the time, I can’t breathe. It definitely isn’t me! What should I do?


Smelt it didn’t dealt it

Dear Smelt it didn’t dealt it,

Well, sounds to me like your son has some genetics inherited from…..his other parent, of course. My advice? Invest in some essential oils and make sure he doesn’t shart his pants.

Dear Mouse,

            The weather is horrid and freezing out. This sucks! I can’t stand the cold, especially when I go outside to smoke cigarettes. What can I do?


A Chilly Telluridian

Dear Telluridian:

            First: What are you some kind of ski bum that you live in Telluride but don’t like the cold? Secondly, who even smokes cigarettes anymore? What is this 1970? My goodness, quit already! Thirdly, this is the weather when it’s wintertime in Colorado. . . you can move south. Good luck with all that!

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About the Author

She's a mouse. She sees things differently. She can type. What more do you need to know?

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